I realise that I might at much risk for writing the post, as my blog is visible not only for the people who do not know me personally, but also for my family and friends, however I feel that talking everything out is (as it says in the title) the first step towards the solution and recovery.
It is probably a cliché to apologise for the absence, which seems to occur quite often, every 3 months or so. It is my problem and feel bad about not writing anything. I do have reasons for that, not just the lack of time during the very hectic semester, but also personal reasons that I have finally identified in the last few weeks. In other words, the mental issues – anxiety, panic/anger attacks and the last addition to my brain – hypochondria.
I have never identified myself as having any mental issues. To me anxiety, feeling of emptiness, stress, or social anxiety has always been something weird, something that I have no right to feel. I mean, I have an amazing family, I have friends, I have food and roof. That’s why whenever I felt anxious or negative I always blamed myself for having too much free time or being an attention-seeker. Yet the past few months have shown differently. I had no free time to blame.
I have had anxiety issues for around 3-4 years, but starting the end of March, 2014 it just got worse. Daily stress, fear of failure, headaches, insomnia, mental breakdowns, random anger attacks. Yet I only blamed the stress and over-studying, what else?
However I got worrisome when the term ended and the physical conditions of anxiety have not left me. Furthermore, I have developed the so called hypochondria, a.k.a health anxiety. Every ache in my body brings me waves of fear, every talk about a disease leaves me feeling those same symptoms. I hate it, I hate it so badly. I hate stressing out about the pain, I hate being scared to fall asleep, I hate looking at my body and searching for problems. Screw the brain for creating it all! I want to snap out of it, but I can’t…
Yet, I do not ask for any help, I know that I created the issues and that I am the only person who can get rid off them. Yet, it all prevents me from enjoying the vacation and hanging out with friends. Screw it all..
If you got this far, excuse me for the grammar or any mistakes. Yet, thank you for reading. I will try to come back to my senses and fix my brain, so that I can come back and continue with the blog and my life!